By Wendy Sapp, Lay Pastoral Care
Have you ever thought carefully about what you wanted to say and how you wanted to say it so that no one could possibly misunderstand your intentions, but…when you opened your mouth and the words came out, you found that others took offense at what you said?
Have you ever been upset by someone or something and found that the words flew out of your mouth, or the email out of your inbox, before you had time to take control of your emotions rather than letting the emotions control you?
Have you ever accidentally let slip confidential information either talking to someone or by accidentally forwarding an email to someone who should not have been involved?
Yep, I have done all three more than once, and my guess is that at least one of these has happened to you as well. Usually I do everything I can to avoid upsetting other people unnecessarily, but it still happens and usually when I least expect it. The question for me is not will my words offend someone at some time but what do I do about it when it happens.
My first instinct is to explain to people why they should not be offended, because obviously I couldn’t possibly have meant what they think I did. Or I want to explain how I should be excused for losing control of my emotions because X, Y, or Z has happened this week. You notice how all of this focuses on ME and my needs to be “right,” not on the person I offended? Oops! Instead I should be focused on the person I hurt, no matter how inadvertently, and addressing their needs. I should be apologizing and giving them space to share, if they want, how my words impacted them. Only if they ask should I explain my side of what happened.
And what if someone says something or sends an email that hurts or angers me? Now, it is time for me to realize that there could be more of a back story to what happened. It is time for me to let the person know how I feel without attacking them or assuming that they meant harm. It is time for me to listen to understand how the situation arose.
The key part of responding when I hurt someone or am hurt by another is being direct and giving an opening for their response. I clearly express what I have to say (“I’m sorry “ or “I feel…”) and then I let the other person have the time and space to respond. When we stop focusing on ourselves and listen to the perspectives of others, most of our anger and hurt can be healed before it festers. If the other person is willing to listen to our side as well, the healing can be even stronger.
Now, I am not going to pretend that this is easy. Trust me, my husband will tell you that I am NOT good at putting this approach into practice when he and I have a disagreement! But I try—with my husband, with my children, with my colleagues, with my friends, and with my church. If UUCC is to be a “beloved community,” we have to assume that others are acting and speaking with good intentions. We have to accept our emotions and the emotions of others without letting those emotions control us. We have to listen to others when we are hurt or confused or angry. Only then we can move forward and grow as a community.